I Don't See Anyone Else Laughing...

I watched the Oscars in their lengthy entirety last night for the first time in years. I can usually watch a couple of hours but eventually, the hypocrisy and the speeches just wear me down and I have to turn it off. I was excited about last night’s broadcast because, not only would we not have to deal with Billy Crystal’s shlocky musical numbers, but Chris Rock happens to be one of the funniest people ever and the sheer potential of what he might say was enough for me to sign up. From his first “sit your asses down” it was clear he wasn’t going to sell out completely. I liked his opening speech. It was by no means Chris Rock at his best, but it had his trademark edginess and it obviously made a lot of people uncomfortable. Essentially, he approached the entire event with a healthy sense of irony. The problem, of course, is that there is very little irony in Hollywood.

To a fan, it seemed the awards kept getting in the way of Rock’s stand-up. After the initial bit, his involvement was limited to brief introductions that, while funny, went largely unnoticed by the audience and the presenters. When he introduced Halle Berry saying that she was the star of the eagerly anticipated “Cat Woman II” she didn’t even crack a smile. When he introduced Penelope Cruz and Selma Hayek as the evening’s four hottest presenters, there was barely a titter. It seemed the problem wasn’t that the audience didn’t think his jokes were funny, they just didn’t notice they were jokes. For every Clint Eastwood chuckling, there was Renee Zellwegger trying desperately to breathe. For every Charlie Kaufmann rushing to get off the stage, there was a filibustering Jamie Foxx waiting in the wings.

It wasn’t all seriousness, when Chris Rock introduced Jeremy Irons as one of the great comedic talents of our time; Irons walked up to the mike and thanked Chris saying it was nice to finally be recognized. That’s what you do with a joke. You acknowledge it, you smile and you move on - because, after all, it’s only a joke. Someone really needs to pull Sean Penn aside and explain this concept to him because at some point, somewhere after Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Sean Penn lost his sense of humour. Sean, everybody knows who Jude Law is. That’s why it’s funny. Get it? Come on. Sure you do. If he’d been talking about Ryan Gosseling, it wouldn’t have been funny. If he’d picked James Franco as his foil, it wouldn’t have worked. And that’s because a lot of people don’t know who they are. But everyone knows who Jude Law is and that makes it a joke. Now you get it, right?

Hilary Swank didn’t have time to laugh. She was far too busy reminding us that she grew up in a trailer park and that she had a dream of being an actor. She also had to remind us that she really, really loves her husband even if she didn’t thank him the last time she won. But I shouldn’t be too hard on her, she was wearing the evening’s ugliest dress and she might have known it.

Regardless of who hosts, the least funny parts of the evening are always the speeches for Best Actor and Best Actress. I think in future events, rather than the time clock, which none of the winners in these categories ever even glance at; the prompter should flash Nobel Prize winners and their accomplishments. Perhaps this would provide the Hilary Swanks and the Jamie Foxxs with a touch of perspective. Perhaps it would humble them enough that they would limit their acceptance speech to less than five minutes. But then again, they probably wouldn't notice.

There were plenty of other memorable moments throughout the night. Finally catching a recognizably French word somewhere toward the end of Beyoncé’s song was pretty funny. Seeing Side Show Bob signing Accidentally in Love was funny too. Natalie Portman’s dress (which I believe came off the set of Gladiator) was worthy of a chuckle. But, over all, despite Chris Rock, Robin Williams, and all of the other people who are able to maintain perspective, the Oscar’s just aren’t ever going to be funny. And that’s because you can’t make a show funny if your live audience is taking it all too seriously. The people (or at least those sitting in the front rows) at the Oscars are not interested in the show. They want to know if they are going to win. They want to show up on TV, in magazines, and in the best-dressed lists. They want to be seen and remembered. But above everything else, they want to avoid any whiff of controversy. They do not want to be seen laughing at something risqué and thus alienate their fan base. Luckily, many of them were at least successful in that. Ultimately, if you don’t know it’s a joke, you probably won’t catch yourself laughing.

As I turned off the television after the whole gory event, I found myself thinking that maybe that wasn’t the point. Despite all of my nasty asides throughout the evening, I realized that the Oscars did show me one thing: movies are unquestionably more than the sum of their parts. The fact that it is possible to take the Sean Penns and the Hilary Swanks of the world and still make something moving and entertaining is testimony to the fact that movies really are magical and maybe that is something to celebrate. All right then, let them have their night. But maybe next year, I’ll spare myself the agony and I just won’t watch.